A federal judge today sentenced a Hoover woman to 30 months in prison for stealing more than $1 million from her employer, using the money to pay for season tickets to University of Alabama football, clothes, trips and pageant gowns.

It gets better, somehow: she doesn't have to turn herself in until May 11, meaning she'll get to see the spring game on April 17th in style. Can we take up a collection to reward the first ESPN employee to find her in the stands and land an interview?

An FBI agent testified Wednesday that Perrin went on shopping sprees for clothes. She used the money for jet skis, a BMW and trips to such places as Destin, New York and Las Vegas.

...wait a second. She gets thirty months in jail? That's two and a half years in prison for three and a half years of lifestyle, for those of you who took an early exit to the pros. This is sounding less and less like "object lesson," and more and more like "viable career plan."

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HT: Friends of the Program.
Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.

This would be a mere frustration for Gamecock fans were it not for comments from Steve Spurrier last week indicating that he'd like to see a viable QB option emerge behind Garcia:

"Stephen had a lousy bowl game, as we know, but he had a good game the month before against Clemson. But hopefully he can continue to prove it; there are some things he needs to work on. ... Stephen should be able to hold his starting position, but I think last year was the only year I’ve ever coached where I had one quarterback and no matter what he did he stayed in the game. I still believe if a guy goes bad, you’d like to have someone else to put in."

Should Hillary be removed from that mix for any length of time, the candidates for said option would be reduced to junior Zac Brindise, sophomores Andrew Clifford and Seth Strickland, and a pair of freshmen Spurrier was hoping to redshirt -- none of whom were rated higher than three stars as recruits, and none of whom have ever attempted a pass in a college game.

Of course, if the Ol' Ballcoach's disciplinary history is any guide, the "indefinite" suspension that university policy mandates for arrested student-athletes may or may not end up costing Hillary any actual playing time, assuming he was poised to receive any in the first place. But it could make for unexpected depth-chart headaches for Spurrier as he puts his stable of QBs through their paces this spring.

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Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Inform Doug Gillett what a poor substitute he is at dougie_doodle-at-yahoo.

Assessing the fall's starting passers, in no particular order. Today: Texas sophomore Garrett Gilbert.

• Typecasting. Texas wasn't about to let just anyone replace the winningest starting QB in college history. The Longhorns wanted a precise, strong-armed field general in the Colt McCoy mold, and they found it in five-star prospect Gilbert. He led his high-school team to back-to-back state titles in 2007 and '08 and broke Graham Harrell's state record for career yardage by two yards. It looked like Gilbert was being set up for a near-perfect situation: Sign with Texas, learn from McCoy as a true freshman while getting some garbage-time reps toward the end of the Longhorns' blowout victories, then settle in for three years as the undisputed starter.

But Gilbert's path to the limelight didn't quite follow that script. He averaged only two passing attempts per game in the regular season as the 'Horns let several opponents hang around much longer than expected. And when he finally got to see meaningful action, it was on the season's biggest stage in the BCS National Championship Game after McCoy suffered a shoulder injury on the Longhorns' fifth play from scrimmage. Gilbert took every snap from there on out, and his lackluster line (15-of-40 for 186 yards, two touchdowns, four picks) doesn't adequately portray the heroics he exhibited in bringing the 'Horns back within three points in the fourth quarter against the nation's No. 2 defense.

With that grueling trial by fire behind him, the keys to the Texas offense are now Gilbert's alone. Sounds weird to say, but "it only gets easier from here, kid" might actually be a true statement in this case. Filling the shoes of one of the most accurate passers in recent memory, of course, will require Gilbert to improve that 45.5-percent completion rate, but that task will almost certainly be a lot easier without Nick Saban staring him down from the opposite sideline.

• At his best ... Against Alabama's top-10 pass defense, Gilbert completed touchdown strikes of 28 and 44 yards (complemented by a 39-yard completion to Marquise Goodwin on the Longhorns' first drive of the second half), so there's evidence that Gilbert may actually be better with the long ball than his predecessor. He won't be able to throw any of them to Jordan Shipley this season, of course, but everyone south of Shipley on the Longhorns' 2009 receiving stats list returns, including rising junior Malcolm Williams -- a big, blazingly quick target who already has two years of solid experience under his belt -- and seniors James Kirkendoll and John Chiles.

It's worth noting, too, that Texas offensive coordinator Greg Davis didn't revert to a hyperconservative game plan just because McCoy had been knocked out of the game. Davis did establish a fairly predictable pattern over the Longhorns' first few possessions, but he then opened up the playbook to include some play-action looks and deep passes, and Gilbert got comfortable with it surprisingly quickly: After a first half in which Gilbert completed two passes to Alabama's secondary and only one to his own receivers, he started the second half 14-of-26 with two long TDs, generally reading the defense well and evading Alabama's QB pressure right up until the Eryk Anders sack that forced a fumble and marked the beginning of the end for the Longhorns' chances. If the national championship game is an indication of how well Gilbert has already absorbed the playbook, the leadership void left by McCoy's graduation may be much briefer than anyone anticipated.

• At his worst ... One of the excuses made for Gilbert's struggles in Pasadena -- and a valid one, if you saw the game -- is that the offensive line had an uncharacteristically poor night, missing numerous blocks and putting the offense in deep holes due to penalties. That may well be, but it's a problem that's unlikely to get magically solved in 2010: Linemen Chris Hall, Charlie Tanner, and Adam Ulatoski are graduating, meaning the Longhorn front will go from one of the Big 12's most experienced to one of its biggest question marks in the span of a single offseason. If the line can't get stabilized this summer -- particularly at the left-tackle position, which at this point looks to be filled either by one of Mack Brown's '09 recruits or by converting RT Kyle Hix -- then Gilbert will spend much of 2010 looking less like the field general who gained confidence in the second half of the title game and more like the true freshman who spent most of his time looking helpless in the first.

He'll also need a lot more help from the running game, which was supposed to bounce back last season from a frustrating 2008; instead, the top four running backs totaled just 1,399 yards and, other than Tre' Newton, were little more than afterthoughts in the national-title game. Gilbert showed surprising mobility for his size as a high-school QB, but running is a burden his coaches would just as soon not place on him in his first campaign as the starter. If he ends up with as many carries as Colt McCoy had over the last couple seasons, it's safe to say something didn't quite go according to plan.

• What to expect in '10. For several seasons now we've gotten accustomed to the concept of the Big 12 South as a hotbed of sizzling passing attacks; things are going to look quite a bit different in 2010. Of the division's top four finishers in 2009, three will be breaking in new starting quarterbacks this year, and the fourth, Texas Tech, has undergone a coaching change that nobody seriously believes the beloved "Air Raid" passing attack will survive intact. (Your terrifying thought for the day: Baylor and Texas A&M are now the South Division's standard-bearers in terms of proven experience under center.)

So with all that in mind, Texas isn't in nearly as bad a position as they ought to be for a team that's waving goodbye to the NCAA's all-time career wins record-holder. Gilbert arguably has the most raw talent of the division's three new starting signal-callers, and one of the more dangerous receiving corps to boot. What he doesn't have, at the moment, is confidence in his blind-side protection or a dominant running game, and one of those things is going to have to change for Gilbert to fulfill the promise he exhibited in the stirring comeback attempt against the Crimson Tide. If at least one of them does get resolved, however, then with the Big 12 South's defenses also in a bit of a state of flux, Longhorn fans can start cranking up their optimism that Gilbert might be the man to lead them back to the conference-title game and a BCS berth.

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Previously: Scott Tolzien (Wisconsin), Landry Jones (Oklahoma).

• Duck denouement, incoming. After being excoriated by more excitable members of the Oregon fourth estate for not banishing Jeremiah Masoli and LaMichael James immediately, Chip Kelly's decision on their future as Ducks will be announced Friday, presumably after both have made their scheduled court appearances. The Wiz has a roundup of local media reactions, including a look at Masoli's past criminal indiscretions and predictions on how this will shuffle the Ducks' conference-championship lineup for the 2010 season. [The Wiz]

• Imagine what he could do healthy. No, don't. The country's best linebacker had a rough outing at Bama's pro day, but not the kind you'd expect:

Linebacker Rolando McClain ran the 40-yard dash in 4.6 seconds, but when running an agility drill, he became ill. He later disclosed that he has battled Crohn's Disease since his freshman year in high school. It's an inflammatory disease of the intestines. McClain said he treats it with medication. ... McClain also disclosed that he has suffered from a hamstring injury since the Oct. 24 Tennessee game, an injury that his teammates did not know about.

We're not medical professionals of any sort, so far be it from us to dictate how this should affect McClain's career, but ... look at what this guy accomplished, and think about the fact that he made All-American at less than full speed. [Al.com]

• Hasn't he had enough practice running the score up? Wonderlic scores are leaking, if you care about that sort of thing, and Tim Tebow scored a 22, which is slightly below average for a quarterback and clearly indicative that Urban Meyer didn't properly prepare his trophy student to fill out those little bubbles with a #2 pencil. This year's smartypants is Sam Bradford, who notched 36 points out of a possible 50. [Shutdown Corner]

• Although we're sure the other undrafted free agents appreciate his poise. I confess I saw this headline and thought it was nice that Sean Glennon had finally come into his own a year and a half after leaving school, but no: it's North Carolina State sophomore Mike Glennon earning accolades from his coaches. [Rivals]

• That "Long-as-you-ignore-me-you're-the-only-thing-that-matters" feeling. That coquette Notre Dame's given the Big Ten the cold shoulder once too often, and according to a nebulous source, the conference is feeling a wee bit petulant when it comes to expansion talks:

A source within the Big Ten told the Tribune last month that given what transpired in 2003, when Notre Dame all but accepted an invitation to join the Big Ten before pulling back, "the only way they will be offered is if they first accept. The Big Ten went down that road and got burned. Fool me once, fool me twice."

In other words, the Big Ten will not court Notre Dame. The Irish would have to do the romancing. Or at least set up the first date.

Yeah, this won't get ridiculous at all. [Chicago Tribune]

Quickly: Wisconsin loses star running back John Clay, who's getting surgery on both ankles, for spring practice. ... Oregon State's Casey Kjos is calling it a career. ... Former Sooner Mike Balogun is suing the NCAA, which (just a hunch) may not affect is draft stock in the way he's hoping. ... Dabo Swinney wants Clemson to play an exhibition game. ... No more room at the inn for baby 'Canes. ... Penn State's spring game "only" rates ESPN2 coverage.  ... And Arizona State's gonna run the Air Raid, which is nice, because lord knows Texas Tech won't be using it.

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Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.

Interestingly enough, teammate LaMichael James will be in the same courtroom that morning to change his plea on domestic-violence charges from "not guilty" to "no contest," part of a deal that is said to include "a batterer's intervention program" but also a return to his regular responsibilities with the Oregon football team. At this point, though, it's anyone's guess whether Masoli will have a shot at the same opportunity.

The charges against Masoli are just the latest in a hugely embarrassing string of offseason misdeeds attributed to UO players, ranging from disorderly conduct and DUI to robbery and assault; head coach Chip Kelly has already taken quite a bit of heat for LeGarrette Blount after the running back punched a Boise State player at the end of the Ducks' 2009 opener, then for not disciplining James in any notable way following his assault charges. Depending on how long Masoli's trial drags on, Kelly may or may not want endure the certain media furor over having an alleged felon on the field, even if he's only taking practice reps.

Neither the district attorney's office nor the Oregon athletic department had any further comment on the charges; we'll follow the arraignment on Friday and see what happens.

Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Inform Doug Gillett what a poor substitute he is at dougie_doodle-at-yahoo.

Last season, the offense took on the defense in a format similar to a regular scrimmage.  But since the Jaguars have achieved all of the goals set forth for spring drills according to Jones, the rising juniors in the program drafted Red and White teams that will compete as USA takes part in the last of 15 spring practices Wednesday.

"Last year we really didn't have enough people to split into teams," Jones stated.

The spring game isn't the only part of the program getting realer. For the Jags' second season, the schedule expands to ten games, including some teams you may have actually heard of (Nicholls State, Georgia State, and UC Davis). It's all part of the plan to ease South Alabama into the roiling boil of major college football before they become a full member of the Sun Belt in 2013, and we'll be watching them closely -- not just because we're always on the side of More Football In America, but because head coach (and Crimson Tide alum) Joey Jones gives great quotes:

The captains also selected five assistant coaches on the USA staff to lead their side, and the program's support personnel were divided as well, leaving Jones as the only neutral observer of Wednesday's event.

"I'll be on the winning side, I promise that," he joked.  "Whichever team is ahead, I'll kind of ease to that sideline."

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Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.

Profiles of the nation's most embattled coaches.

Ron Zook, God bless him, will always be remembered for two things: one, being the unlucky duck tapped to immediately succeed Steve Spurrier at Florida, and two, being the coach that inspired the "Start a FireCoachX.com Web site the same day Coach X is hired" trend. After his brief and frequently embarrassing tenure at Gainesville -- remember his big confrontation at the Pike house? -- he was an odd choice indeed to take the reins of the long-suffering Illinois Fighting Illini. Yet after a pair of frustrating two-win seasons, he managed to get the Illini into the Rose Bowl. Since that achievement, though, the team is just 8-16 and giving every indication that they're headed right back into the depths of the Bad Old Days. The Illinois program may not have Florida-level expectations, but they're not about to let that happen if they can help it.

Why he was hired. The Zooker's record of 23-14 may not have cut the mustard at Florida, but after a 9-26 run over Ron Turner's last three years as coach, it probably looked a lot more enticing. And even while Zook's on-the-field results were causing acid reflux among the Gator faithful, he still managed to recruit at a breakneck pace -- though he wasn't the one responsible for landing Tim Tebow, he brought in most of the rest of the players who formed the core of Florida's 2006 title-winning team (plus a few from its 2008 championship squad).

The "Uh-oh" Moment. The Illini followed up their improbable 2007 Rose Bowl campaign with a 5-4 start to '08 -- hardly stellar, but not bad, either, for a team returning only 12 starters. On Nov. 8, they had what should've been a bowl-eligibility-clinching layup against Western Michigan on neutral ground at Detroit's Ford Field, but QB Juice Williams tossed INTs on back-to-back possessions in the second quarter, helping WMU to a 20-7 halftime lead and, eventually, a 23-17 upset. The Illini got handled by Ohio State and Northwestern in their final two games to finish 5-7.

It was a disappointment they should've been able to bounce back from, but any ambitions in that direction were snuffed out when the Illini opened 2009 with a 37-9 pummeling from Missouri in which they were never really competitive. From there, it was a fairly predictable trip to 3-9, with back-to-back upsets over Michigan and Minnesota representing the Illini's only wins over D-IA competition.

Embarrassing attempt to right the ship. When you're five seasons into your current job, headlines involving the phrase "last-ditch rebuilding" are never a good sign. Nor is it particularly inspiring when the best you can say about your 70th-ranked recruiting class is that they're "going to surprise a lot of people" at some indeterminate future date. But when fan dissatisfaction over those developments neared fever pitch after National Signing Day, Zook capped off the bad-omen trifecta by pointing the finger at his own fans and assigning them part of the blame for his team's struggles. (Really, you'd think he'd be used to Web sites like this by now.)

Can this marriage be saved? Bizarrely enough, yes, says Joe Kutsunis of Hail to the Orange -- because they've probably got at least two more seasons of counseling to look forward to. Zook, apparently, is one of the few people in America whose job security has been increased by the bad economy:

What are Ron Zook's prospects for job security after 2010? Let's do a quick run down.

Back-to-back seasons without a bowl? Check.

Complete house cleaning of the coaching staff? Check.

Completely new offensive scheme? Check.

A schedule that is even more difficult than 2009? Check.

Calling out the fans in the newspaper for creating a negative environment for recruiting? Face. Palm. Check.

It is widely assumed that Zook must take the Illini to a bowl this year or he will be on the road to his next coaching gig. I am not so sure. The fact is, the University is in a financial crisis. The state is bankrupt and a significant portion of the funding has run dry. I know the Illinois athletic department is one of the few in the nation that actually profitable for its university, so taking on the combined costs of buying out Zook's rather expensive contract combined with the costs of hiring a whole new staff might be too much for the trustees to stomach. Cash would have to come from boosters, and that has been a rather shallow well as of late. No, I think this might be couple bad years of football that Illini fans will have to live with.

Approximate heat of seat. Let's say "hot stove:" Hot enough that you wouldn't want to touch it, but not hot enough to be lethal -- yet. We've already seen coaches at Colorado and Maryland survive embarrassing seasons solely because their schools couldn't afford to buy them out, so Zook's situation isn't exactly unique. But with absolutely nothing currently pointing toward a miraculous Illini turnaround, he may only be a dead man walking until the university can scrape together enough couch change to get rid of him.

Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Inform Doug Gillett what a poor substitute he is at dougie_doodle-at-yahoo.

The "pre-preseason" rankings that pundits have been churning out earlier and earlier each year give some indication as to which teams will be the trendy picks through spring and summer. That goes for national-title favorites as well as the "sleeper" teams supposedly poised to present the big boys with their biggest challenges.

Tuesday we sifted through some of 2010's earliest ranking attempts and noticed a handful of teams that seemed to be getting repeated mentions in strata somewhat more rarefied than where we've become accustomed to seeing them. This means that the hype machine already may be training its sights on them to varying degrees, and as a result, there's a high likelihood that you'll be sick of hearing about them at some point between now and August. Should you want to play the role of Debbie Downer when that happens -- and why wouldn't you? -- here's a handy buzz-killing cheat sheet:

• Arkansas
What you'll be hearing: "Bobby Petrino plus 10 returning starters on offense (including quarterback Ryan Mallett) equal plenty of points and double-digits wins. A real threat to be the SEC's second team in the BCS." (Jon Wilner, San Jose Mercury News)
Curb your enthusiasm: The Razorbacks' bowl run despite a rugged schedule in 2009 has prompted more than a few people to crown them as the SEC's trendy upstart in 2010. Arkansas did boast the conference's third most productive offense, and as Wilner says, nearly all of the starters return from that unit. But Mallett, the linchpin of that offense, is spending his entire spring resting a broken foot, which it turns out had already had been injured twice last season. And Mallett will need to be at the top of his game to cover up for a defense that has finished dead last in the SEC in both of Petrino's seasons as head coach.

• Wisconsin
What you'll be hearing: "The Badgers seemed to turn the corner under coach Bret Bielema last season. ... Wisconsin should be good enough to challenge Ohio State in the Big Ten this coming season, especially with quarterback Scott Tolzien playing so well down the stretch." (Mark Schlabach, ESPN.com)
Curb your enthusiasm: Every year a handful of teams get hyped as potential conference-title spoilers based on hot streaks with which they ended the previous season, and the Badgers are at the top of that list this year: They finished 2009 on a 5-1 run, capped off by a dominating upset of Miami virtually in the Hurricanes' backyard. But that stretch also included a squeaker victory at 4-8 Indiana and a loss to Northwestern, and UW ended up not beating a single Big Ten team that finished '09 with a winning record. The 2010 Badger offense should be among the conference's best, but the front four that was so stifling last year returns only one starter.

• Boise State
What you'll be hearing: "I think the Broncos season next year will be made somewhat more legitimate by the fact they play Virginia Tech at Jimmy Zorn Memorial Field. ... That game should be a fun time; if Boise wins it and you somehow keep 'em out of the BCS title game (assuming they finish undefeated), then college football is a bigger joke than Pam Anderson's career." ("Big Brain Brett," The Big Lead)
Curb your enthusiasm: Will the Broncos be an elite team in 2010? Definitely -- they may return as many as 23 starters from the roster that went 14-0 and earned the program's second BCS trophy last season. But the hype has already started in earnest over BSU as a potential national-title dark horse, and the question of whether they deserve such a shot is a little thornier. This year the Broncos' big statement game is a Labor Day date with the Hokies at FedEx Field; the last time BSU went to the Eastern Time Zone to play a BCS-conference team, they got beaten by five touchdowns. And an undefeated record with one win over a BCS team didn't earn BSU a trip to Pasadena last season -- so even if they beat the Hokies, do they automatically deserve to play for a national title, particularly if two major-conference teams also go undefeated?

• Miami
What you'll be hearing: "Quarterback Jacory Harris will play all of 2010 the way he played the first half of 2009. ... Miami will feature its most complete defense since 2002, when it played for the national title." (The Sporting News)
Curb your enthusiasm: Harris did play impressively over the first half of last season, particularly considering that the Hurricanes' opener against FSU was only his third career start. But that stretch also included a face-plant against Virginia Tech, which, like the upset bowl loss to Wisconsin, were directly influenced by major breakdowns in offensive-line play. That line returns only two starters and will be the subject of major tinkering throughout spring and summer -- adding another obstacle to a team that will still have to fight its way past the Yellow Jackets and Hokies for its first berth in the ACC title game.

• South Carolina
What you'll be hearing: "Steve Spurrier might finally have some offense returning with QB Stephen Garcia and WRs Tori Gurley and Alshton [sic] Jeffery returning." (College Football Saturday)
Curb your enthusiasm: With Florida regrouping in its first year post-Tebow, Kentucky and Tennessee breaking in new coaches, Georgia trying out a new QB and a new defensive scheme, and Vanderbilt being, well, Vanderbilt, the Gamecocks are being talked up as a team poised to finally make a division-title run in 2010. They'll return as many as 17 starters this year, including all the major contributors on offense -- but no matter how much talent he's had on tap, Steve Spurrier has never seemed to be able to assemble a competent offensive line or running game in Columbia. Perhaps that's why his Gamecocks have ended the last four regular seasons on runs of 2-3, 0-5, 2-3, and 2-4 -- skids that should give pause to even the most optimistic prognosticator.

• Georgia Tech
What you'll be hearing: "The Yellow Jackets lost B-back Jonathan Dwyer, safety Morgan Burnett and defensive end Derrick Morgan to the NFL. That's OK. The ACC still can't figure out the triple option, and if coach Paul Johnson hires a capable defensive coordinator, Georgia Tech will be even tougher to beat." (Andy Staples, SI.com)
Curb your enthusiasm: The Yellow Jackets appear to have joined the ACC elite after earning their first conference title since their national-championship run in 1990, which they accomplished partly by diversifying their diabolical triple-option rushing attack with the lethal passing combination of Josh Nesbitt to Demaryius Thomas. But Thomas has departed for the NFL, as has leading rusher Dwyer, which may put greater pressure on the defense to pick up some of the slack. Paul Johnson has hired a capable defensive coordinator -- former Virginia head coach Al Groh -- but Groh is switching the Tech defense to a 3-4 front, a transition that rarely gets wrapped up neatly in the course of a single offseason.

Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Inform Doug Gillett what a poor substitute he is at dougie_doodle-at-yahoo.

• Let the hate flow through UU. A Utah recruit slugs his baseball coach after being cut from the team, is expelled from high school, and for the moment is still hanging on to his football scholarship offer from the Utes. This is irrefutable proof that Kyle Whittingham is ready to helm a Big Six program. [ESPN Rise]

• Ryan Mallett, reluctant recipient of the 2010 Ben Olson Award for Perpetually Injured Quarterbacks. That broken foot Arkansas' lumbering giant of a quarterback sustained during offseason workouts? It's the third time he's had problems with it. Don't think Mallett's been hiding his injuries, however -- when you're 19 feet tall it just takes that much longer for your pain receptors to get word to your brain. [CFT]

• You don't have to pronounce it; just pay the man. Dabo Swinney gets money. A one-year contract extension doesn't speak to confidence in a coach? How about a $900K raise to go with it? That sweeten the deal at all? Also getting straight paid is DC Kevin Steele, albeit with a relatively paltry $200,000 salary bump. [SI]

• This is the dead man's clipboard. Will Muschamp and James Franklin are grandfathered into that new and pesky coaches-in-waiting recruiting rule. The interesting part is the language: Phrasing like “publicly designated” just means all future assistants tapped for the captain's chair will go through the gruesome initiation rites without the additional scrutiny of local media outlets. Relax, Muschamp, they're just peeled grapes! [Rivals]

• Guy Morriss is sorry. But not half as sorry as he's gonna be when his staff and players are redistributing copies of the newspapers they stole. Now that'll be team-building, right, Coach? [Rivals]

Quickly: Speaking of sorry, LSU's Toliver is understandably regretful about that whole "unruliness to the point of being electrocuted by a police officer" thing. ... A young man would rather play for Randy Shannon than Bill Stewart. ... BCS anti-action goes bipartisan ... Dust off those "Threet Level Midnight" jokes ... and some enterprising young man has made a hip-hop theme for Ole Miss's new unofficial mascot.

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Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.

If it seems like Notre Dame has been involved in a game of will-they-join-a-conference-or-won't-they for eons now, it's because, well, they pretty much have. And the answer, in the end, has always been a pretty emphatic "won't." But athletic director Jack Swarbrick, surveying the increasing prospects for Pac-10 and/or Big Ten expansion, pulled a surprising 180 on that position today, indicating that his program's opposition to conference affiliation might not be rock-solid after all:

"I believe we're at a point right now where the changes could be relatively small or they could be seismic," he said. "The landscape could look completely different. What I have to do along with Father Jenkins is try and figure out where those pieces are falling." . . .

"You have two conferences [the Big Ten and SEC] that have separated themselves economically and you've got all the other conferences lined up for their [upcoming television] renegotiations," said Swarbrick. "The bar has been set so high, and the [current] media market is so tepid, that it creates a lot of tension."

Swarbrick's explanations are cryptic enough that the precise "scenario[s] that would force our hand" are left to our imaginations, but whatever they are, they speak to some uncomfortable trends regarding Notre Dame's continued ability to command respect -- and dollars -- on a national level.

Right now, ND's main reasons for eschewing any conference affiliation stem from two big perks of independence: First, the fact that they get to keep any and all bowl revenue to themselves, rather than split it among 10 or 11 conference rivals, and second, the exclusive TV contract they have with NBC, the proceeds from which they also get to keep. But recent developments (to which Swarbrick alludes) have made both of those perks look a lot less attractive than they once did. For one thing, taking home 100 percent of their bowl payout hasn't actually been that lucrative lately for the Irish: Over the past three postseasons, Notre Dame has earned a grand total of $750,000 (from a single Hawaii Bowl appearance in 2008). By comparison, even lowly Vanderbilt, as a member of the SEC -- which routinely lands two teams in the megabuck BCS bowls -- has been entitled to a share of nearly $150 million over that same period.

By the same token, that infamous NBC contract, valued at $9-$10 million a year, has been bested by last year's SEC-ESPN partnership, which is said to average well over a hundred million a year; even the fledgling Big Ten Network is already earning its member schools more than $6 million a year, according to the network's president. The NBC-Irish contract runs through 2015, but as ratings struggle and NBC's financial woes deepen, there may be a finite life span to that partnership. Somebody would almost certainly pick up Notre Dame should NBC decide to walk away from the table, but it's anyone's guess as to whether they'd be willing to shell out eight figures a year for the privilege, particularly if ND continues to excuse itself from the national-title discussion before November.

If these are the kinds of worries that prompted Swarbrick's surprising admission -- and they'd certainly only get worse were either the Big Ten or the Pac-10 to expand -- then biting the bullet and joining a conference may actually be Notre Dame's best shot at maintaining a prime spot on the gravy train. For the Irish faithful, though, such a move would cause their program to be seen as more of "just another team," and not just because they'd no longer be standing alone in the agate-type conference standings in the daily paper's sports section. Swarbrick is being completely sincere when he talks about how important it is to "maintain our football independence," because staying independent symbolizes the ability of the Notre Dame brand name to keep the school on equal footing with any program -- or conference -- in the country, in terms of both reputation and profits. A move to a conference, though, would be a tacit admission that the Irish brand doesn't have that power anymore. Again, given the history of this issue, a conference affiliation for ND still belongs very much in the "I'll believe it when I see it" category, but for the athletic director to be this open and direct in confronting the issue certainly speaks to major changes in the college football world that are far from reaching their conclusion.

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Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Inform Doug Gillett what a poor substitute he is at dougie_doodle-at-yahoo.